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Deceive Or Believe?

A tender age of only 21 but deformed by his reality or perception was the key question. He was

chronic sufferer of mental illness and its inconsistency both mentally and physically couldn't

define his life appropriately. What was the meaning of life he questioned. His mind dwelled

upon ideas compared to something materialistic. Growing up was both satisfactory and

unsatisfactory as he reflected. He remembered a lot and duality of both the future and past

could only manifest further in his head. At this age, it defied any sense to be thinking and

dwelling in such a manner. He was defeating the simple notion of life: a simple livelihood and

overall feeling of well being. A void manifested deeply within him but understanding starting

from scratch can be an ordeal was acceptable. A great childhood he always remembered. Great

memories yet plagued by mental health. Very fit and athletic and talented in such a category as

well. However, his prime years from adolescence and a young adult were twisted by such

different objectives. Following his strengths, passions and just defining the “right” path where

one couldn't be decided over the other. He could start to identify himself as a delusional and

misguided individual. He only dwelled and dwelled endlessly at this point in life and his mind

was wired: wired in the worse manner. Confused and delirious. To what degree did he

dissociate now yet still possessing his virtues of knowledge, wisdom and intelligence as defined

by others. He was a classic nerd in highschool yet still his ambitions just as great as what others

would define him as. He was a like minded kid of such great potential as well and didnt minimize

it himself. What happened? The Anxiety was a cofactor to such mental illness he had inevitably

had all his life. OCD, then generalized anxiety came along and swept his sanity ever so subtly.

He couldn't forget social anxiety being the primary manifestor and then depression. Very timid,

introverted but ultimately extroverted. All he loved was company, friends, family and the

openness of others and their experiences. The ability to connect empowered him and drove to

aspire himself as young vibrant humanist as dreamed to be. Yet he graduated high school with

the tilt of dropping out. Followed through to university with such mindsets of pursuing his

disciplined academics of science and the objective was evolving humanity in such field. He

dropped out and the mental health as strong as its stigma manifested, existed in such a more ill

form. More obsessive and less value. Less value to himself and life itself and believing that

there was a culprit to his poor functioning thus on. Delusional incompetence was what geared

his self esteem in the wrong direction and remembering the girl drove him nuts as uncontrolled

circumstances took role as well. Depersonalization and devaluing opportunities that were ahead

him and his youth was habitual. Apathy developed and more unnecessary ruminating over such

folded circumstances. Very bad depression and now ongoing suspected psychosis. Paranoid for

his physical concerns and especially his diminishing overall health, he felt like and was

ultimately afraid of becoming a dud and could only envision a cure it all approach to all his

problems. All he would question what was it he could ultimately be capable and accomplish not

just for his satisfactory ego but for the sake of others well. That simple kid of growing up with

such hobbies of music and sports never fully developed and maybe that was it. Now he’s in a

psych ward with the unfolded circumstances that collaterally fucked him over more then ever

and with one more question. Why. Why such degree. Typing his way on the computer with such

rapid reflection of a short life he lived especially recently. Right in front of the canvas window.